3:18 AM. Groan. I wake up with a weight in the pit of my stomach. Why did I eat all that meat? Why did I order dessert when I didn't need it?
The list expands: Why didn't I wear sunscreen? Why didn't I bring those hiking pants? Why did I leave my umbrella in the room?
More doubts: Can I really afford to stay here? Am I spending too much money that I should be saving for retirement (whatever that means)?
Second guessing; regrets both big and small. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn't. Or did. In spite of everything.
And even if I could do anything I wanted, go anywhere I wanted, have anything I wanted (within reason) what would that be? What I am really looking for? When will I know if I've found it? Where will I go next to look for it? And what is IT, really?
But those are 3 AM thoughts. I do sometimes wonder what I'm doing here so far from friends and family. . . And then I go back to sleep.
When I wake up a few hours later, the sun is shining and it's too nice to stay inside. What will I do today? What will I write about? What will I share? What will I confront and what will I ignore? But the sunny day is calling and I am reminded that life is short.
And old trees can sprout new growth.
So I wait. As of this moment, I don't know where I'll go next or what I'll do next. But I am enjoying the atmosphere here in Corsica. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I do know I'm not ready to return to the U.S. and especially not Boulder - as much as I love Colorado summers. I am learning to be patient with myself. To let go of expectations. And trying to understand and forgive those "shoulda but didn'ts".
The list expands: Why didn't I wear sunscreen? Why didn't I bring those hiking pants? Why did I leave my umbrella in the room?
More doubts: Can I really afford to stay here? Am I spending too much money that I should be saving for retirement (whatever that means)?
Second guessing; regrets both big and small. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn't. Or did. In spite of everything.
And even if I could do anything I wanted, go anywhere I wanted, have anything I wanted (within reason) what would that be? What I am really looking for? When will I know if I've found it? Where will I go next to look for it? And what is IT, really?
But those are 3 AM thoughts. I do sometimes wonder what I'm doing here so far from friends and family. . . And then I go back to sleep.
When I wake up a few hours later, the sun is shining and it's too nice to stay inside. What will I do today? What will I write about? What will I share? What will I confront and what will I ignore? But the sunny day is calling and I am reminded that life is short.
And old trees can sprout new growth.
So I wait. As of this moment, I don't know where I'll go next or what I'll do next. But I am enjoying the atmosphere here in Corsica. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I do know I'm not ready to return to the U.S. and especially not Boulder - as much as I love Colorado summers. I am learning to be patient with myself. To let go of expectations. And trying to understand and forgive those "shoulda but didn'ts".
This is beautifully written. I must say, though, I'm glad I met you before you decided you were leaving Boulder!!! I've enjoyed knowing you so much and now I'm really envying your adventures!
ReplyDeleteElaine - I am in awe of the self-discovery you are doing and for the courage and tenacity that you are demonstrating throughout your journey!! It has been amazing to read your blogs and follow your journey; not just the geographical aspects, but more importantly the journey of your soul. What an inspiration you are! I cannot locate your email address for some reason and have been wanting to write to you for quite some time! Thank you for opening your heart and sharing! My loving thoughts go with you, my friend! Love to you!!
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