I received an email from Dominique on Monday morning - effectively ending our nascent relationship. I think we both knew a few weeks ago that it wasn't going to work out - but neither of us had articulated this decision - until now. He finally had the courage to spell it out - gently, delicately, and beautifully written.
I wonder why I couldn't do it first? I've known it for a long time, but had a hard time acknowledging the fact, trying to hold on. Why? Is it my Taurus nature - stubborn, tenacious? Or my persistent optimism - things will work out? Or a reluctance to cause pain? Perhaps it's a cultural tendency - expecting the guy to take the first step to begin (or end) a relationship? Maybe it is the constant tug of war between my Libra South Node and my Aries North Node? Maybe it's all of these?
And so if I go back to the drawing board and list the things I am looking for in a partner or in a relationship - what would that list include?
1. He must be a healthy non-smoker.
2. I'd like him to be articulate and fluent in more than one language.
3. He would be well traveled, interesting, and open minded.
4. He must be reliable - always following through on his promises.
5. He must be unmarried - never married, widowed, or divorced is OK. Married or separated - not OK.
6. He would like some of the same things I do: travel, food, Paris, hiking in the mountains, reading, cinema, art, etc
7. He would be self sufficient. A good cook would be a great bonus.
8. A sense of humor would be appreciated
9. He would have a full life but plenty of free time for me
10. He would live in Paris but be ready and willing to spend time in the U.S.
11. He would find me beautiful and desirable and sexy - even with short gray hair and glasses
12. He would be devoted to me and respect my intelligence, my feelings, and my autonomy
13. He would be affectionate and we'd have terrific chemistry
14. He would be willing to commit to fidelity once we got to that stage
Hmmm, what else?
Or maybe I should just forget looking for a companion, and simply enjoy my freedom, my autonomy and my charmed life? After all, it's nice to have the time to write, to travel, and to look inward to rediscover myself.
But then again, it would be nice to have a dinner date or a hug once in a while . . .