A change of pace

There was a message waiting for me when I returned from Grenoble: "I'd like to meet you."

I've maintained a subscription on a French internet dating site but hadn't ever met anyone from the site. I've been too busy with other activities. It's time consuming to go through the profiles, and I haven't felt particularly lonely lately. But for some reason, this message came through . . .

Just a cup of coffee. That's the rule for the first meeting. So we picked a place halfway between my place and his place. But rather than a cup of coffee, we had a beer instead - a delicious Belgian beer served in a distinctive glass.


I guess you could say we hit it off, because after a beer (or two) at 4pm, we quickly decided to have dinner together. What to have for dinner? How about oysters? Sure, but the Cabane is closed on Tuesday, so we decided to head to the north side of Paris to a well-known seafood restaurant. How to get there? On Patrice's motor scooter! Aack. I've never been on a motor scooter before. Can you believe it? I'm just a little bit scared. No, maybe a lot scared! But Patrice has an extra helmet and an extra jacket and he assures me that he'll drive safely.


It's too early for dinner, so we decide to take a walk in the touristy area near Sacre Coeur.


As we talk, we are both surprised at the number of interests we have in common. And remember that list? I'm surprised at the number of characteristics that he fulfills: He is single, speaks excellent English, loves to travel, and knows how to cook. hmmmm.
So anyway, after a good seafood dinner, he took me home on the scooter.


And then? A goodnight kiss in front of my building. And plans for dinner tomorrow. . .

Dilemma

Should I go out with a married man? I always promised myself that I wouldn't - especially after being on the wronged side of that equation for too many years. But I was flattered by the attention. And I have been spending a lot of time alone these days. . .

I agreed to spend Sunday afternoon with M. We planned to take a bike ride, an innocent enough pastime, but the rainy weather called for a change of plans. We went to a concert instead - a nice alternative. Maybe I'm being naive or judgemental - but his kisses in the middle of the sidewalk felt desperate. Whoa. Too much, too soon. And my intuition says No. Not just because he's married. Just because. No other explanation needed. I need to listen to my feelings. I don't need to explain myself. But it's still hard to tell the truth when he calls back wanting to see me again.

Back to the drawing board

I received an email from Dominique on Monday morning - effectively ending our nascent relationship. I think we both knew a few weeks ago that it wasn't going to work out - but neither of us had articulated this decision - until now. He finally had the courage to spell it out - gently, delicately, and beautifully written.

I wonder why I couldn't do it first? I've known it for a long time, but had a hard time acknowledging the fact, trying to hold on. Why? Is it my Taurus nature - stubborn, tenacious? Or my persistent optimism - things will work out? Or a reluctance to cause pain? Perhaps it's a cultural tendency - expecting the guy to take the first step to begin (or end) a relationship? Maybe it is the constant tug of war between my Libra South Node and my Aries North Node? Maybe it's all of these?

And so if I go back to the drawing board and list the things I am looking for in a partner or in a relationship - what would that list include?
1. He must be a healthy non-smoker.
2. I'd like him to be articulate and fluent in more than one language.
3. He would be well traveled, interesting, and open minded.
4. He must be reliable - always following through on his promises.
5. He must be unmarried - never married, widowed, or divorced is OK. Married or separated - not OK.
6. He would like some of the same things I do: travel, food, Paris, hiking in the mountains, reading, cinema, art, etc
7. He would be self sufficient. A good cook would be a great bonus.
8. A sense of humor would be appreciated
9. He would have a full life but plenty of free time for me
10. He would live in Paris but be ready and willing to spend time in the U.S.
11. He would find me beautiful and desirable and sexy - even with short gray hair and glasses
12. He would be devoted to me and respect my intelligence, my feelings, and my autonomy
13. He would be affectionate and we'd have terrific chemistry
14. He would be willing to commit to fidelity once we got to that stage

Hmmm, what else?

Or maybe I should just forget looking for a companion, and simply enjoy my freedom, my autonomy and my charmed life? After all, it's nice to have the time to write, to travel, and to look inward to rediscover myself.

But then again, it would be nice to have a dinner date or a hug once in a while . . .

Comments?

Sunday evening

Dating is hard work. How can you get to know someone, being open to possibilities, without being judgmental? Which characteristics are charming, while others are showstoppers? How can you go beyond physical appearance, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand, and still be objective? How can you involve all three elements - intellect, emotion, and physical attraction to find the right combination? What is it that you are really looking for? How do you know if or when you've found it?

Not easy.

The last few days have been tough. I haven't seen Dominique since last Thursday. We weren't together for New Year's Eve - he had another commitment. Meanwhile, a couple of things came up during our lunch on Thursday that caused me to stop and reconsider. And so I raised the issues. It's important to be honest, right? And to be able to resolve questions as they arise rather than ignoring them, right? But communication since then has been sparse. What happens next? I don't know.

In the meantime, I decided not to stay home and mope. I went out Sunday afternoon and was lucky to snag a ticket for the sold-out, final performance of My Fair Lady (performed in English!) at the Théâtre de Châtelet. The show was great, and the theatre location in the center of Paris reminded me how much I love this beautiful city. The walk back to the metro took me past the Hôtel de Ville with its temporary ice skating rink:


And nearby Notre Dame.


Paris IS beautiful, isn't it?

p.s. After writing the above, I heard from Dominique. Everything is OK, even though I won't see him for another few days - and even then, for just a couple of hours in between his other commitments. No matter. At least communication is back on track.

Monday

I didn't have to wait until Tuesday. I saw Dominique today. Yes, that's the name of the new mystery man in my life. He lives in the suburbs west of Paris, and today I went west to meet him closer to his place. We met at the Chateau de Saint Germain en Laye.


We didn't bother to go inside, and instead took a walk in the gardens nearby.


As you can see from the photos, it's cold here, and we warmed up with a hot drink and a pain au chocolat following our walk.

I'll see him again tomorrow. And Thursday. And . . .

Creative writing

Internet dating sites can be quite entertaining. Almost every day offers up a smorgasbord of possibilities. Some sites, such as eHarmony and eDarling, offer earnest descriptions of individuals using real first names and making a best effort to describe what they are looking for: "tired of living alone, a few extra pounds, but a good heart and a good sense of humor".

Photos are a study in contrasts. Some, carefully selected, offer a glimpse of the adventurer, the romantic. Others, sadly, are dreadfully ill-chosen. The caption under Bob's photo in my inbox today was - "worst photo ever . . passport one". And it was awful! Why bother??

Other sites, notably Meetic, offer a selection of individuals using really dumb pseudonyms such as: "beaumek" = beau mec = "good looking guy", or "tatend" = je t'attends = "I'm waiting for you", or "foliqidure" = folie qui dure = "madness (craziness, passion) which lasts". Huh?

Others are simply descriptive: "Michelgolf" is someone who really loves golf and who is looking for a woman who enjoys golf as much as he does.

Some descriptions have me laughing out loud. Here's another one from today's mailbox:
"Je suis trop beau trop gentil trop mignon et trop romantique pour être seul.. je voudrais une femme qui saurait me seduire qui aimerait remplir mon coeur et ma vie" A translation goes something like this: "I'm too handsome, too nice, too cute, and too romantic to be alone .. I'd like a woman who would know how to seduce me, who would love to fill my heart and my life" Gag!

Who writes these things? They can't be serious??

That said, it is easy to laugh; much harder to accurately describe oneself and what one is looking for . . .

Jean-Pierre

Michel has been out of town for a few days. He spent the long holiday weekend in Brittany at his country house.

Therefore, when Jean-Pierre called suggesting we meet on Saturday afternoon, I agreed. A first meeting is always coffee, this time at a cafe near my place. Hmmm, good conversation. Jean-Pierre is just emerging after the sudden death of his wife of 40 years just 14 months ago. He's not looking to replace her, just looking to come out of his shell a bit.

That's fine with me. I'm not interested in replacing a departed wife - either through death or divorce. I'm not interested in being a nurse, cook, or housekeeper for someone who finds himself alone.

However, dinner companion? Sure. Traveling companion? Eventually. Maybe.

So coffee with Jean-Pierre went well. We decided to stay on for dinner. We stayed at the same cafe/bistrot and had oysters followed by tarte au citron. The oysters were pretty good, but of course it wasn't at all the same ambiance as chez Francis at the Cabane à Huitres. Maybe, if he's lucky, I'll take Jean-Pierre to the Cabane à Huitres next time.

Cruise?

"How about a cruise from Moscow to St. Petersburg? Would you be tempted?" The question from Michel came halfway through lunch on Sunday.

Would I be tempted? You bet! Sounds much better than renting a "camping car" (RV) and driving through Tuscany - which he mentioned last time we met.

The Russian river cruise wouldn't happen before next spring/summer, so there's plenty of time to think about it - and to decide if I'm interested . . .

Michel

The first meeting with Michel went a little bit better. I met him through eDarling which is remarkably similar to eHarmony in its time-consuming questionnaire that attempts to make better matches. In fact, the site is so similar that I thought it might be owned by eHarmony. No, said the customer service agent, but eHarmony is a major investor in the company.

So far, I prefer eDarling. It provides more background information on its members and less focus on purely physical description. It also offers "guided communication" much like eHarmony - meaning that you are given tools to learn more about the person before meeting, rather than presenting a completely random selection of age-appropriate members.

Michel's profile seemed interesting; active, well traveled, with many interests in common. He has a daughter and four grandchildren who live in Minneapolis, so he was particularly interested in meeting an American. We have been corresponding for several weeks and finally met after my return to Paris.

This time, a meeting for coffee was followed by a movie and a light dinner. He was much more of a gentleman and willing to take things at a pace more my speed. We'll see if he's a good listener. . . I've agreed to meet him for Sunday lunch and a concert afterwards.

Papinou

"Papi" is a French expression for "Grandpa". "Nou" reminded me of "nounours" = teddy bear. So when I saw the pseudonym "Papinou" I conjured up the image of "Grandpa teddy bear". The photo supported this image - blue eyes, nice smile, a certain gentleness. I discovered Papinou via Meetic, the largest French internet dating site. Or rather he discovered me. He "flashed" me. Huh? What does THAT mean? "Vous avez reçu un flash."
After some head scratching, I figured that "flash" was Meetic-speak for "wink" in eHarmony-speak. It's called sending a "smile" (sourire) in eDarling-speak. I'm learning a whole new language!

Meetic is big on pseudonyms and short on personality profiles. It also seems to focus on physical appearance - with specific questions regarding weight, silhouette, and style of dress. For "style" I had to choose between BCBG (huh?), branché (trendy), business, bohème, classique, ethnique, décontracté, rock, sportif, or other. Only in France! Another question: which of your body parts is the most attractive? And what are you looking for in him? Pecs? abdominals? hands? feet? butt? etc. To be fair, eyes and smile are also included in the list, as is "the most beautiful is not on the list".

Anyway, besides age, pleasant photos, a non-smoker who likes restaurant and cinema, plus "flash", I didn't have much else to go on when it came to Papinou's description. And after several emails back and forth, we finally met for coffee after my return to Paris.

He seemed surprised to see that I resembled the photo in my profile. Apparently, lots of people don't resemble their photos? He made lots of disparaging remarks about botox and liars. Lots of disparaging remarks about a lot of things. And he was too eager to hold hands and tutoie. Not my cup of tea! So much for my initiation into online dating . . .

Kissing frogs

eHarmony? eDarling? or Meetic? or all three?

Do I really dare subscribe to an internet dating site?

I had a great visit with Teri and JD who told me how they met through eHarmony. They explained the process thoroughly. Hmmm.

Later, I met Catherine and Jean Pierre, each with three school-aged children, who met through the French site Meetic. They, too, swore that the system does work - even though it is extremely time consuming to go through dozens, sometimes hundreds, of profiles of eligible singles.

Eventually, after being assured that yes, nice girls (and older women) DO go online, and yes, there are plenty of older gentlemen out there - I decided to subscribe. Besides, I'm not desperate. I am perfectly happy living alone - although an occasional dinner companion might be nice. Furthermore, I decided that it could make a good story - maybe some journalistic research? Could I deduct the subscription costs from my taxes? Or maybe another study in social anthropology? Why not?

So which site to choose? And more importantly, how do I describe myself? And what AM I looking for, anyway??

I eventually signed on to all three sites.

I subscribed to eHarmony first, but in hindsight that didn't make much sense - their members are primarily located in the U.S. and I'm looking for a dinner date, not a penpal. The eHarmony site did offer some very interesting contrasts with the French sites which I'll go into in a later post.

I also subscribed to a European site called eDarling. Funny name, but very similar in format to eHarmony in that it involves an extensive questionnaire which supposedly enables a computer to provide good matches. I'd had a couple of "hits" on this site and started corresponding with a couple of people but had yet to actually meet anyone face to face. I was traveling in September, and then unexpectedly returned to the U.S. in October. Now that I'm back, maybe I can get back down to "business". And I have.

Oh, so now you want details? Stay tuned!